A moral man, Phineas Gage,
tamping powder down holes for his wage,
blew his special-made probe,
through his left frontal lobe,
now he drinks, swears, and flies in a rage.
%
There once was a hacker named Ken,
who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks,
of silicon chips,
and hasn't been heard from since then.
%
There was a young fellow named Pell,
who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger or fuck one,
but never would suck one,
he just couldn't get used to the smell.
%
There was a young lady named Clair,
who possessed a magnificent pair.
At least so I thought,
till I saw one get caught,
on a thorn, and begin losing air.
%
There was a young girl of Pawtucket,
whose box was as big as a bucket.
Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
I'll have to wear boots,
for I seeI must muck it, not fuck it."
%
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
when his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
and tease it, and please it,
for Rome wasn't built in a day."
%
There was a young fellow named Cribbs,
whose cock was so big it had ribs.
They were inches apart,
and to suck it took art,
while to fuck it took forty-two trips.
%
There once was a man from Calcutta,
who used to beat off in the gutta.
The heat of the sun,
affected his gun,
and turned all his cream into butta!
%
There was a young girl of Penzance,
who boarded a bus in a trance.
The passengers fucked her,
likewise the conductor,
while the drivershot off in his pants.
%
A bisexual chap name of Lunt,
taught himself an unusual stunt.
He could peel back his spout,
turn the skin inside out,
like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
%
There was a young fellow named Ades,
Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
But sheep, boys, whores,
and the knot holes in doors
were by no means exempt from his raids.
%
There was a young fellow named Gene,
who first picked his asshole quite clean.
He next picked his toes,
and lastly his nose,
and he never did wash in between.
%
There once was a Duchess of Bruges,
whose cunt was incredibly huge.
Said the king to this dame,
as he thunderously came:
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
%
Jack and Jill,
went up the hill,
so Jack could lick her candy.
Jack got a shock,
and a mouthful of cock,
because Jills real name was Randy.
%
There once was a technician named Lil,
who swallowed a nuclear pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her tits in a tree in Brazil!
%
There once was a man from Nantucket,
whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."
%
There was a young fellow named Paul,
who couldn't rely on his sphincter at all.
when he sat on the loo,
it went slightly askew,
and splattered some poo on the wall.
%
There was a man from Ghent,
who had a penis so long it bent.
It was so much trouble,
that he kept it double,
and instead of coming he went.
%
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
gently stroking his madam.
And great was his mirth,
for on all of this earth,
there were only two balls and he had 'em!
%
There once was a lass called Louise,
whose cunt smelt like Limburger Cheese,
she leaked so much grunge,
that she purchased a sponge,
that sopped up the muck to her knees.
%
There once was a man named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said "I admit,
I'm a bit of a shit
but look at the money I save".
%
There once was a man from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
within half an hour,
his dick was a flower,
and his balls were all covered with weeds.
%
There was a young student from Boston,
who drove around in an Austen.
There was room for his ass,
and a gallon of gas,
but his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
%
There was an old man from Gosham,
who took out his balls to wash 'em,
his wife said "Jack!,
if you don't put 'em back,
I'll stand on the fuckers and squash 'em!"
%
There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty,
who lifted her nightie,
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!
%
There was a young girl named Sapphire,
who succumbed to her lover's desire,
she said "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
could you shove it a few inches higher?"
%
There once was a man from Bel Air,
who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
he doubled his stroke,
And made her cum in mid-air.
%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong,
whose cervical cap was a gong,
she said with a yell,
as a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
%
There once was a pirate named Yates,
who liked dancing on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
which rendered him nutless,
and virtually useless on dates.
%
There was an old man from Harrow,
who tried to have sex with a sparrow,
the sparrow said "No,
you can't have a go,
as the hole in my ass is too narrow."
%
There once was a young girl from Norway,
who hung by her feet from the doorway.
It worked out quite well,
cause when you rang the bell,
it actually turned out to be foreplay!
%
There once was a lady from Reno,
who lost all her cash playing keno,
so she laid on her back,
opened her crack,
and now she owns the casino.
%
There was a young girl named Denise,
Whose pubes hung down to her knees.
The crabs got together,
To knit her a sweater,
So in winter her twat wouldn't freeze.
%
There was a young man from Bombay,
who shagged 20 chickens a day.
he wouldn't stop fucking,
till they all started clucking,
then he'd eat all the eggs that they lay.
%
There once were two young girls from Birmingham,
I know a wild story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock
and diddled the cock,
of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
Now the Bishop was no fool,
     He'd been to a fine public school.
He lowered his britches,
and fucked both those bitches,
with his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.
But that didn't startle these two,
they laughed as the Bishop withdrew.
"The Vicar is quicker,
and thicker and slicker,
and longer and stronger than you!"
%
There lived a man in Bombay,
who made a cunt out of clay.
But the heat from his prick,
turned it to brick
     And it ripped all his foreskin away.
%
There once was a man from Peru,
who fell asleep in a canoe.
While dreaming of venus,
he played with his penis,
and woke up with a hand full of goo.
%
There once was a man from Racine,
who invented a fucking machine.
concave and convex,
it fucked either sex,
and jerked off itself in between.
%
There once was a monk from Siberia,
whose manners were quite inferior.
He did to a nun,
what he should not have done,
and now she's a Mother Superior.
%
Stanley, an anal young fool,
made sculptures out of his stool.
His version of "A Thinker"
was really a stinker,
but the portrait of Madonna was cool!
%
There was a young lady from Crewe,
who filled her vagina with glue.
Said she with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
they'll pay to get out of it too!"
%
In the check out at the store,
a nun was advising the poor.
"Hey you in front!
That's to many items you cunt!
And they don't take food stamps for beer ya dumb whore!"
%
There once was a girl from Aberystwyth,
who took corn to the mill to make grits with.
The miller's son, Jack,
laid her flat on her back,
and united the organs they piss with!
%
There once was a man from Eau Claire,
who fucked his wife in a chair.
On the thirtieth stroke,
     the furniture broke,
and his cock went off in her hair.
%
There once was a Man named McSweeny,
who spilled some Gin on his weenie.
Just to be Couth,
he added Vermouth,
and slipped his chick a Martini!
%
There was a young harlot of Clyde,
whose doctor cut open her hide.
He misplaced her stitches,
and closed all her niches,
she now does her work on the side.
%
As the elevator car left our floor,
big Sue caught her chest in the door.
She yelled a good deal,
but had they been real,
she'd yelled a whole lot more.
%
A virgin emerged from her bath,
in a state of righteous wrath.
For she'd been deflowered, 
when she bent as she showered,
cause the handle was right in her path.
%
Said a horrid old hag, "Look here honey,
 I know I'm wrinkled and funny.
But get me in bed,
with a sack on my head,
and I'll give you a run for your money".
%
There was a young sailor named Fred,
he once took a mermaid to bed.
He said, "to be blunt,
I can't find your cunt,
so why don't you blow me instead!"
%
There once was a fair young lass,
her body was made out of glass.
From there you could note,
what went on in her throat,
and all the way down to her ass.
%
There was a man from Madras,
who fucked a young girl in the grass.
But the hot Spanish sun,
spoiled half his fun,
by burning the skin on his ass!
%
There once was a man from Nantucket,
who stuck his dick in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
she turned on the switch,
and his dick flew off like a rocket!
%
There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were particularly stable.
By the light of the moon,
with the aid of a spoon,
she could drink herself under the table!
%
There once was a bird with a golden bill,
it came to purch on my windowsill.
I lured it in with a piece of bread,
then I squashed its fucking head!
%
There was a young man from Sparta,
a really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean,
 he'd fart "God Save the Queen",
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
%
There once was a fellow O'Doole,
who found little red spots on his tool.
His doctor, a cynic, said,
"get out of me clinic,
and wipe off that lipstick you fool!"
%
There once was a barmaid named Gale,
on whose breasts was the menu for ale.
But since she was kind,
for the sake of the blind,
on her ass it was printed in Braille.
%
There was a young lady from Leith,
who would circumcise men with her teeth.
It wasn't for fame,
or love of the game,
but to get at the cheese underneath.
%
There once was a man named Barack,
whose election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes we pay,
then turned marriage gay,
and now he's coming after your Glock.
%
There was a dentist named Malone
who had a young girl patient alone.
In his depravity,
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
%
There once was a girl from Peru,
who said she had nothing to do.
She sat on the stairs,
and counted cunt hairs,
four thousand, six hundred and two.
%
There once was a man named Mort,
whose dick was decidedly short.
When he climbed into bed,
his girlfriend said,
"that's not a dick it's a wart!"
%
There once was a man from Kildare,
who's arse was all covered in hair.
I tried to direct him,
to help find his rectum,
so he shaved it and out fell a chair.
%
There was a couple named Kelly,
who walked belly to belly.
Because in their haste,
they used library paste,
instead of petroleum jelly.
%
There was a young man from Lynn,
whose prick was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh,
as she fondled his staff,
"this won't be much of a sin."
%
Rosalina, a pretty young lass,
had a truly magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink,
as you possibly think,
it was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
%
There was an old man name Toot,
who had warts all over his root.
He put acid on these,
and now when he pees,
he fingers his root like a flute.
%
A Scotsman who lived by the Loch,
had holes down the length of his cock.
When he got an erection,
he would play a selection,
from Johann Sebastian Bach.
%
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
who was plumbing a young maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming.",
said the plumber, still plumbing, "it's me!"
%
There was a young man of Dundee,
who molested an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid,
all arse and no forehead,
three balls and a purple goatee.
%
There was a man from Capri,
who tried to piss over a tree.
The tree was too high,
and it dripped in his eye,
and now the poor dude can't see.
%
There was a young parson named Bings,
who talked about God and such things.
But his secret desire,
was a boy in the choir,
with a bottom like jelly on springs.
%
The Archbishop came round for tea,
he asked, "do you fart when you pee?".
I replied, "not a bit,
do you belch when you shit?",
and I felt that was one up for me.
%
There once was a man from Madras,
who had balls made out of brass.
When he banged them together,
it meant stormy weather,
and lightning shot out of his ass!
%
There once was a man from Australia,
who had extra-large genitalia.
He said to his bride, 'don't try to hide,
'cause wherever you go I can nail ya.'
%
There was a young Rabbi from peru,
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oi vey, If you keep up this way.
The Messiah will come before you do."
%
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un."
She replied, "Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right 'un."
%
There was a young girl who begat Three brats,
by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
but hell in the feeding,
when she found she had no tit for Tat.
%
There once was a man with a member,
That would only stand up in December.
He said, "It's too cold,
for a hard-on so bold,
I wish it would work in September!"
%
There once was a man from Sydney,
who could put it in up to her kidney,
But a man from Quebec,
put it up to her neck.
Now he had a big one, didn't he!
%
There once was a fellow named Potts,
who was prone to having the trots.
But his humble abode,
was without a commode.
So his carpet was covered with spots.
%
There was a young man from the Coast,
who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm,
said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
%
There was a young poet named Dan,
whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
he said, "Yes, I know,
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
%
There was a young man from Maine,
whose prick was as strong as a crane.
It was almost as long,
so he strolled with his dong,
extended in sunshine and rain.
%
There was a young girl named McCall,
whose cunt was exceedingly small.
But the size of her anus,
was something quite heinous.
It could hold seven dicks and one ball.
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
so seldom are clean.
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%
There was a young squaw of Wohunt,
who possessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
produced no papooses,
and fitted both giant and runt.
%
There was a young woman named Plunnery,
who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
Till one day unobservant,
she blew up a servant.
And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
%
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
but I've got a hell of a hard-on.
From beating my meat,
against the seat,
of a bicycle built for two.
%
There was a young man from St. Paul's,
who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's".
Till he grew such a passion,
for feminine fashion,
that he knitted a snood for his balls.
%
A pretty young maiden from France,
decided she'd "just take a chance",
she let herself go,
for an hour or so,
and now all her sisters are aunts.
%
An amazon giantess named Dunne,
Let a midget screw her for fun.
        But the poor little runt,
        Was engulfed in her cunt,
And re-born as the twin of his son.
%
There was a young woman of Natchez,
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit,
For a man with equipment that matches".

There was a young fellow named Block,
Who was born with a two-headed cock,
When he'd fondle the thing,
It would rise up and sing,
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

But whether these two ever met,
Has not been recorded as yet,
Still, it would be diverting,
To see him inserting,
His wang while it sang a duet.
%
A wicked stone cutter named Gary,
drilled holes in divine statuary.
With eyes full of malice,
he pulled out his phallus,
and buggered a stone virgin Mary.
%